Hard to Believe

It's so hard to believe that it is already the middle of September. I watched the sunset tonight. It wasn't even 7:30 yet and it was almost dark. I kind of miss the long days of summer but at the same time I am so excited for winter. I love when the leaves all change colors and I absolutely love snow. It is just spectacular.

It is also hard to believe that I am close to almost half way through my second year of college. Where the heck has time gone? Before I know it I am going to be super grown up and I don't know if I am quite ready for that. It also means that in seven months I will no longer be a teenager... =/ yikes. Then I will really be old.

It is hard to believe that exhaustion comes so easily and so quickly. And how it is never ending. I hate it. I wish there were more hours in the day so I would not feel so bad for sleeping so much to be able to function.

There are so many things that are just so hard to believe anymore. Life is so complex and crazy sometimes it is hard to keep everything straight. But, as insane and painful as it may be, I love it all. The good, the bad, and all the in between. Is that hard to believe? At times, absolutely.

Realization

Today I had a strange realization. Well, maybe strange is not the right word to use. It is probably something that I should have realized a long time ago. Here is what happened:

I was sitting at home doing some homework and Camille called and needed me to go and help her with registration (she is in charge or the 4H after school program at an elementary school in Orem) because she was doing it by herself and there was a line out the door and it was still 20 minutes until it actually started. So I hurried on over there and helped her get everyone registered for different after school classes. Some of the classes filled up rather quick which created a bit of a problem. One mom was just so insistent that her son HAD to be in a certain class and even after explaining to her multiple times that there was no more room in the class, she just would not get it or chose a different class or anything. She just stayed there saying her son had to be in the class because it was the only one that he wanted to be in. I had no idea what to say to her anymore and Camille was so frustrated with her that she finally gave in sort of. Anyway, the details aren't whats important. Here is what I realized after all of this. Parents do so very much for us; always. They want what is best for us and want us to be happy so they are willing to do anything to make sure we are happy. Sometimes I think that we take that for granted a lot of time. We expect certain things, and want what we want and if it doesn't work out we have a tendency to blame our parents for things not going right, when in reality it isn't really their fault. There are so many other factors that we generally don't ever see or know about it's ridiculous. So, I've realized that we must take things as they come. In the words of Joseph B. Worthlin "Come what May and Love It." Even if it is not always what we want or expect. And, give your parents the benefit of the doubt per say and don't take it out on them when things don't go quite right. That was my realization of the day.

Hey, thanks Angels and Airwaves

I went to the gym today. I was super sore from yesterday. Which meant it was going to be a rough workout. BUT! Have no fear! I had Angels and Airwaves to help get me through it. =] It was fabulous. And now I feel spectacular.

Let's see here..... Basically life is just super busy. I have school, which is way fun and way hard. Like today. I had my bio test which I thought I did decent on but turns out I did terribly =/ Not good. Hopefully the next one will be better. Oh well, it's over and done with and now I just have a test tomorrow and I'm pretty much done for the week! And did I mention I think that I have decided on a major? Well, I did! It's about time right?

I also decided today after going to the gym that I am going to run the Turkey Trot 4-miler again this November. Which means I'm going to have to start running again... Awesome. And, Camille wants to play basketball intramurals in the winter.Word! So it's on, to get in fabulous shape for this crazy events. Of course, basketball will only happen if we find more people for a team because we realized that all of our friends don't play sports. Ha. This should be interesting.

Yesterday was a sad day. Little Lucy Lou got hit by a car and died. =[ Poor little thing. It's been a sad 48 hours over here.

Today, I also became and active student! (ha, whatever that means....) Except it means that I was actively asking/answering questions. Go me! ha. AND! I got through and entire math assignment all by myself and completed every problem =] Woot! Oh school, what a pain.

But, the best part of this week is the fact that I have gone two days without having a headache (knock on wood). I hope I'm not jinxing myself here.....

Well it's back to studying... After all, I do have a test tomorrow and work. Joyous. Study, study, study!

Eaten alive my gnats

Tonight I was practically eaten alive by gnats at Utah Lake. haha. Let me start at the beginning....

It is Monday. Since it is Monday, there is FHE. Something I am not used to because we almost never had it in Logan. Anyway. So Camille and I show up at the guys apartment and of course, we are the first ones there.... which was only slightly awkward for about 4.5 minutes. haha. Once everyone was there we were off! Four girls, one guy, one sweet $700 car that smelled like gasoline, and an adventure to Utah Lake.... and we only got lost twice. One time we ended up on the freeway and the other we went down a very long dirt road that led us to no where. Then we finally found the other car and the adventure continued! We all wandered down another long dirt road that led to the lake to hang out and in the midst of our walking, we realized there were hoards and hoards of gnats everywhere attacking us. When you would turn on a light then you would realize just how many there really were! It was so gross. At least they were not mosquitoes! We wandered down to the lake and some of the group tried to light these fireball golf balls on fire but they would not light to save their lives. It was kind of funny. So Camille and I proceeded to just chuck rocks into the lake for the heck of it and then two of the guys joined us and were rolling boulders down into it. You'd be surprised at how entertaining that can actually be! Bryce had brought his car over to where we were and I think he left a window open or something AND the light on because his car was literally FULL of nasty gnats. They covered the windows and everything. It was so gross. All ten of us piled on to and into the car including standing in the trunk and sitting on top of the car haha to drive back to the other car so we could eat treats and whatnot. (We were at the lake for a good hour and it was really fun even though it sounds like we didn't really do much). Anyway. After sitting in the car infested with gnats I felt like I was crawling with dead bugs because Bryce pretty much just smashed all of the gnats he possibly could. haha. It was a very fun entertaining FHE and I'm glad I went! Even if I did get eaten alive by stupid gnats at the lake.

Oh, and by the way. I'm pretty sure that I failed my math test today. And tomorrow I will probably fail my Biology test. Story of my life. Bleh.

AND!! Grey's Anatomy returns next week with Season Seven!!! Who's excited?? I sure am. NCIS also returns. Oh how I love fall television! =]

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to move. You are a sitting fire hazard."

Today we had Regional Stake Conference. Fortunately, Since I am a college student and attending a BYU ward, I got to attend at the Marriott Center where it was being broadcasted from. Here are a few highlights.....

*Since there were so many stakes (17 I believe was the number) at the Marriott Center it was quite the packed house. So many people and not enough seats so there were people standing everywhere. Camille and I were sitting right by an exit which was interesting. Some people tried to sit around different parts where there weren't seats, and one place in particular had a number of people cycle through. It was a little ledge right next to the stairs and people would sit there and then the Usher would tell them that they had to move. Then, more people would come and he would continue to tell them to move. At one point, I heard the Usher say, "Sir, I am going to have to ask you to move. You are a sitting fire hazard." I just thought it was so funny that he would say this guy was the fire hazard. haha. It was much more funny in person.

*There was this couple sitting in front of us who were so extremely obnoxious. They talked and messed around through the whole thing and Camille pointed out that even though thats how they were acting, they were both going to be married before we were haha. Anyway, then all of a sudden the guy cocks his arm back and the girl flips out and pulls it down super fast before he can do anything. He was going to chuck his arm wrapper at someone he knew who was sitting a distance away. I couldn't believe he was in freaking college.

*As I sat there in that arena that held some 22,700 students, I had a chance to watch all kinds of different people from all over the world. It was so interesting to watch one section at how much people move around and fidget (not sure how to spell it ha.) The more I watched or glanced, the more distracted I would get. You don't realize it, but people are constantly moving around so much it's so crazy!

*I also realized today I am so easily distracted. I knew this before because during class I aways get distracted by everything. But today I realized it even more so. People were getting up to leave early and I could not focus at all after that point. I hate being to distractable. It's such a pain.

*One thing that was nice was I just happened to be sitting in the dark and this was nice because I had a terrible headache. While I was sitting there in the dark, I noticed that a little over half of the arena still had the lights on. I found this quite interesting and began to think about how it applies to my life. I often find that I feel so in the dark about so many different things and that I am so alone. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, what I want to study in school, who I want to be or become, how I want things to end up, and so on. It always seems like everyone else has their lives all figured out, and I know this may not really be the case but often times it feels like it. I often, (nearly every day actually) wonder why I am so in the dark about why I am having to suffer so much right now. Why I can't have a sister who cares, why I have constant headaches that are the worst pain I have ever felt (yes, they are much worse than each time when I tore the ligaments in my ankle and could not walk whatsoever combined), why those headaches have to last all day long, why I have to feel like my body is 30 years older than me, especially when the barometer changes, because of the decisions that I made to follow my passion in high school, why I am always so ridiculously exhausted all day long, even after I have gotten a good nights sleep because my body and brain are working triple over time to compensate for the brain damage I have had. I always just want to know why me. I know that I really should not be asking this question, but I can't help it. So, here I sit, in so much darkness that it is almost overwhelming. But, at that same time that I feel so overwhelmed and in the dark, I can still see somewhat, because I can see enough to write on my paper or know what the people around me are doing. So maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe. I would hope so. But I sure do hope that that tunnel is coming to an end very quickly because I don't think I can hold my breath much longer. (Know that game, when you were little and would go on road trips and anytime you went through a tunnel you would hold your breath and see who could last the longest? Ya, I used to play that game all of the time with my brothers and sister and NEVER win.) Maybe I will win this time though. I sure hope so.

After all of these things, I had quite the afternoon because I had such a horrendous headache all day long I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I hate when they get that bad because there is nothing that I can do to make it go away except wait it out. And most of the time, it takes hours and hours and I can hardly focus on anything or do anything to full capacity. It is such a pain. Sometimes I kind of just wish that I had a brain tumor or something so that they can just cut out the pain and then it will all be over with and I won't have to deal with it anymore. But, I'm pretty sure that is not the case.

Now, I am going to go finish my movie (The Time Travelers Wife) and get my self to bed because I just happen to have THREE, yes three major tests this week in school, including one at 9:00 am tomorrow. What a pain.

Off to go man the fort alone. With the DM's son....

Today I had to work. It was lame. Four and a half hours and we only made $83. That should tell you how slow it was. And, I was making a frozen yogurt and the stuff exploded all over me. What a pain. Anyway, I was talking to someone, I can't for the life of me remember who though, but I was telling them I had to go to work and I said, "I'm off to go man the fort, alone. With the DM's son...." and then I realized what exactly came out of my mouth. It was the most off statement. Because I wasn't going to be alone at work. But I also wasn't going to be alone with the DM's son. Hahaha. I think I was thinking I was off to work and for some reason I said alone, but then I remembered that Taylor was working too which is why I added that. ha. Sometimes I just say the weirdest things. But, while at work, I skinned a frozen turkey. With my hands. Then proceeded to shred that same turkey. Got stuck in the freezer while putting away cookie dough. Washed probably 30 cookie sheets. Scrubbed down the grill. Cleaned both bathrooms (why do boys bathrooms smell so odd??). Cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. Yes, there was a lot of cleaning in my day. What a joy.

This week has been so crazy. I realized I should probably clean something up from my previous post. I AM NOT DEPRESSED. I am taking anti-depression medication for my head. The concussion specialists (Drs. Rich and Snider) that I went to see earlier this week were so stumped as to what to do to help me that it took them a few minutes of thinking before they could even think of something to try. Thats when anti-depression meds came up. I guess they are supposed to help with the neurotransmitters in your brain (how that helps I have no idea) but I am no doctor so I said give me the prescription and I'll give it a try! I mean, at this point it can't hurt and I am up for anything these days. What can it hurt right? So when I went to get the meds from the pharmacy, the pharmacist gave me a very long speech about the meds and seemed to think I must be suicidal or something. It gave me quite a laugh.

Next week, I have three tests. Math, biology, and health. I am so not excited about this. Math is just math so blah. Bio is over four chapters and my teacher goes so wicked fast that it's hard to comprehend everything during class and what not. And there are SO MANY TERMS!! So many that I just don't know what to do with myself. Health will be a pretty easy test though so I'm not too worried about that one. I guess we'll see what happens. Oh the joys of school.

The weather is starting to cool down into wondrous autumn weather and I absolutely love it. I can't wait for the leaves to start changing colors. =]

Well, Camille and I are going to a movie. Plus I have nothing more to say right now because my head is starting to hurt. Maybe this movie isn't a good idea? Oh well, I'm going any.... I've learned to live and just suffer through all my pain. What a pain it is.

Till next time.....

Tidbits.

Today, Dr. Rich and Dr. Snider, (two doctors who make me laugh and are super awesome), put me on anti-depressant medication.... Here's to hoping that it actually works.

School is out of control fun and busy. I am really enjoying my classes for the most part, despite the fact that some of them are wicked hard.

I finally found my maid of honor dress yesterday as well. And, it was only $30! That's a steal!

It has been determined as well, that I absolutely love my institute class. It's ridiculously amazing and Brother Monson is such a fabulous teacher. I am really excited about it.

Provo is also really starting to grow on me. I think maybe I'll be okay living here for a couple of years. Who knows though.... only time shall tell.

Work is also really fun. Today it got extremely busy and chaotic, but it was spectacularly fun. I am really enjoying it.

Today I decided that I really want/need to go on a vacation. A real vacation. I don't know the last time I actually had a real one. But, that will never happen.

I also realized that all of these tidbits are coming in two liners. I guess that is what I am full of today. 2 liners.

Tomorrow is a new day. Who knows what it shall hold. Well, other than antidepressants, ridiculous amounts of school and homework, and a dollar movie.

Forgotten

Do you ever feel as if you have just disappeared or have been completely forgotten? It seems a lot lately that that has become my life. It's as if unless you are physically right in front of someone, then it's as if you do not even exist. It's not a pleasant feeling I've decided. It's as if you try and try and try to remain unforgotten, but you are just not important enough or you are just so inconsequential that it doesn't even matter how hard you try. No matter what you do in your life, or what you accomplish or how hard you try, there will always be sisters who just forget and don't care about you, who make promises endlessly and don't keep a single one and let you down time after time, and don't even show up to your own graduation. It's as if you have never even existed to them and they don't even care about you. There will be brothers who move and get busy with their own lives that there isn't time for you anymore because California and Colorado and school and work and girls are more important than you are or than you have ever been it seems. You move away from home and all of a sudden you are alone, in so many more ways than ever before.

Do you ever feel that way? Because I do.

It seems to be never ending.

Next Up

okay, I have to admit, I really do not want to write about this one so I think I am just going to omit the Ex-Boyfriend day and pretend I wrote it.... haha. I figure there is no need to recount things from the past that ended up hurting so much.

Anyway, today is a beautiful day AND IT'S A THREE DAY WEEKEND!! whatever shall I do with myself?? Time for some sweet relaxation and then homework (because it's taking over my life).

Happy Labor Day weekend!!!

A stranger

I could fill this post will tons of stories of strangers from the past two days. After starting my new job I have come in contact with many strangers, most of which have made working so much fun because they are so entertaining to talk to. But, I think I will talk about my institute stranger instead (even though there is not a whole lot to this story).

Wednesday I went to institute and learned that I am absolutely going to love my class. I have such an amazing teacher and the class is really fun too. Anyway, that's beside the point. So since it was my first day, as well as about 10 other peoples, the teacher, Brother Monson, had us introduce ourselves. We had to say our name, where we were from, if we were available or not (seriously) and one interesting fact about ourselves. It was quite entertaining because most people forgot to answer the most important question so Bro. Monson would look at them and be like, "So is that a yes or no?" and being the crazy awesome Mormon's that we are, we knew and understood exactly what he meant and was referring to. Highly awesome. Let's just say there are some very attractive guys in my class who all just happen to be single... Oh the joys of Utah!

Anyway, so there was a kid sitting behind me and I can't for the life of me remember his name, but he introduced himself and we learned that he has 6 younger sisters who he absolutely adores. When we were singing the opening song I didn't use a hymn book because I knew all the words and I guess he noticed because he asked me how I knew the words without looking.... Then, we didn't talk for the rest of class but after, I went and talked to the teacher for a second, and as I was walking out of the institute building, he was all of a sudden right next to me and was like hey I like your backpack! and then got all awkward and silent haha. It was quite the awkward moment for about 47 seconds. Haha. Anyway, so I was walking to the library because I had about an hour between then and when my next class was so I'm just walking along not really paying attention when I notice that he is following me to the library! At first I thought nothing of it but then he was sitting in the same general area as me and so I thought maybe I should say hi again or something but then I realized I had to get to class and so I left..... and no he did not follow me this time.

I don't know why I felt like writing about this particular guy, but it just made me laugh and I though it was interesting and I don't want to forget about it so what better place to write about it than here on this fabulously wonderful blog of mine! ;)

Oh, and the institute dance is tonight! Who knows, maybe I'll see him there! Ha.

What a life

What a life it is that I lead here in the grand town of Provo. It is much different than the happenings of Logan, most definitely. I have become a better blogger, I have already gained many new friends, I have attended three ward activities in three days, I have gotten a job, I have actually enjoyed (to some degree) the majority of my classes and the atmosphere they create, I have throughly enjoyed my institute class with Brother Monson, I've gone swimming and to the gym, I've shopped till there is no where left to shop, I have discovered I really have so much growing up to do, I have discovered that I don't want to get married for awhile, I have become more family orientated because now I live with family and just a few blocks from family, I have discovered that this is the longest run in sentence ever. I have come to a realization that I am going to be suffering (very painfully) for a very long time, possibly the rest of my life from my recklessness in high school. I have come to accept that maybe I can't really do everything all of the time and that it is okay to say no, even if it may be difficult. I've discovered who some true friends are and realized that I don't need other people to make me happy. This life I lead is quite interesting to say the least, and I have discovered that as much as I am like my extended family here in Provo, I am so very very different.

Tomorrow is my Uncles birthday so tonight we went out to celebrate. We went to Red Lobster for dinner because he loves it. For those of you who really know me, you know that I absolutely hate any and all sea food and just the smell makes me want to hurl. But, I sucked it up because tonight was not about me. Everyone, except Sam, ordered sea food, and mounds of it, so I was surrounded for a long time. I had crab legs flying out me from multiple directions and spilled juices encroaching toward me every minute. I too soon began to smell of the awful sea just by association. It made for one not so tasty stake at times. I learned that I am just so different from everyone. Most of my family, both immediately and extended, have a least a little bit of an adventurous pallet but me, not even close. I'm not nearly as smart as my 13 year old cousin or anyone else, I'm not as witty or experienced, engulfed in natural knowledge, skinny as most, or as outgoing as I would have wanted to be. I am just different; so very very different.

As different as I may be, it was so nice to spend the evening with family and go to dinner, see Sam get his yellow belt in karate, and go get ice cream after at Cold Stone. As different as I may be from everyone, I am so glad to be able to be here and enjoy these experiences and Sunday dinners and what not to become a better person and grow up in so many multiple ways. What a joyful and wondrous life I live.....

Day 5: Dreams

"If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with success unexpectedly in common hours."

-Henry David Thoreau

I have no idea what my dreams are for my future. How pathetic is that. Don't all girls have crazy romantic, fabulous dreams growing up? I guess I have just had one too many concussions to know what I really want in life anymore or to make any sense of it all. Story of my life.

I do know I want to finish college (if I can ever decide what to major in) and get married and have kids and what not but really I just want a good, happy life with wonderful family that does things together often, and also fabulous friends who will always be there for me no matter what.

So for now, I think I will use these two quotes to guide my life: I'll become my dream and if myself is my dream, then things will all work out and be just want I want in life.

Time to figure myself out....